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| 11:38am 04/12/2005 |
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looking for a place to live has never been so hard. I cant find anything that I can afford. I might stay at cassie's when she goes to texas for xmas which is awesome. shes one of the nicest girls Ive ever met. Im starting to get really stressed though. |
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(3 ohs | ya) |
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| syked/bummed |
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| 11:50am 01/12/2005 |
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Its happening, I need to get a place like asap. Nicole has been so awesome to deal with my record collection and nonsense talk but I gotta move. I was going to go home to Syracuse for the weekend but I need to get a place more importantly than getting my bass stuff. I was SOOOOO stressed last night about everything ie:the band, job, moving, hanging out, etc. I've been hanging out with cassie like everyday and its really awesome and I'm really excited about it. I feel like I need a break from everything and everyone though just for a day. The band is like overwhelming for some reason all of the sudden. I kind of freaked out at pratice a day ago, I think all of us had ideas of what we wanted to contribute to the band but none of us really talked about it so when it happened it was weird. Maybe it was just me I don't know. I'm really into just keeping it natural and having the 3 of us just use what we have to write new stuff. I'm also cool with doug being in the band but I'm just not into this like keyboard eletricronics stuff, I'm not trying to be a dick about it I'm just not into it at all. Thats like one reason why I never liked the synth stuff in the band. I liked the stuff I heard that they all did with doug before I joined but I really hate like playing other peoples material, I just do, its just a personal glitch I guess and I hate people telling me how to play something. Thats why I was soo fed up with hand of glory when I joined. I don't know, I just have way to much to think about right now and it all hit me in the last 2 days, like EVERYTHING hit at once. I don't know I'm starting to get a little less stressed feeling today, I woke up, got coffee, looked at a place and I still have hours before work. I'm going to go make a pizza. |
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(2 ohs | ya) |
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| 03:57am 27/11/2005 |
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this vacations been alright until it kept me up all night. this entry was bound to happen. im upset for the first time in a new area with a familiar/new group of people. today was basically amazing until the night. i dont know what happened and im not even going to get into it. im drunk. awesome. i just drove home. awesome. and out of everyone there derek is the only one to say promise me youll make it home ok, noone else cares. maybe they do and im just stubborn. im done with girls, its too much work, too much stress and for what? coming home and doing entries like this. i miss the comfort of sleeping with someone and this is like a point of my life where i finally feel somewhat settled, meaning im getting a paycheck, i have a roof over my head for the time being, stuff like that. so what do i do? blow it, get upset, storm out like a baby, and pass out. there was so much more to this but you know fuck it. i just dont care to type more, i just dont care to care anymore. i need to make music with derek, i need to work to get my own place, i need to stop living this ridiculous wasted weekend bullshit life because honestly its not me. id rather make dinner with friends and watch a movie, or ride bikes someplace cool. its not for me because i get like this, i over do it, i blow it, i get myself all worked up and upset, and on top of that its 4am and i just want someone here with me. |
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(3 ohs | ya) |
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| 08:22pm 26/11/2005 |
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I have been sleeping so comfortably lately. |
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(ya) |
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| its been a long time.... |
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| 12:13pm 21/11/2005 |
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I am skipping a shower before work to type this.
I wake up just about every morning questioning the night before, even if I didn't partake in any questionable activity. Living here is different, different than anything I have ever done before in my life. I sleep on a couch, in a small studio apartment, I feel like I am a bother always. I can't squat like this anymore though I need home. I need the remainder of my stuff, to wake and put on my favorite record in my room with the door closed so that I don't wake anyone. I love Nicole though, she is probably one of the nicest girls I've ever met in my life. But whats to come? Everything is different, I can take the subway just about anywhere. People for the most part are nice, the cute girls smile at me as they pass, and so do the not so cute ones. But why doesn't anybody I work with seem to aknowledge me? I hate working on South St. I hate working Whole Foods on South St. No time to get another job or even look though because I need money, and I need a home. Speaking of work it wasn't long before I developed a strong work crush. I actually have about 3 but this one stands out the most. The worst part about it is the dreams I've been having. Every dream in the past 3 nights where I have actually gotten sleep have involved the same thing, and the same people. Me, following my work crush (not in a stalker way) like at a party or on bike trying to catch up to her and talk to her, when all of the sudden I either get distracted by a friend or a text message from my friend in Florida. I find it very strange that I keep having that same sort of dream night after night. All in all I guess I should first focus on getting my life together before I fall in love with everyone I see. Cyan needs to play music, Derek and I are itching for it so bad. We need a place and I need the rest of my stuff. My work schedule is conflicting with Dereks and I don't ever see him and I don't like it. I need to stop smoking pot and do something more productive like wake up early. I've lost about 10lbs since I've lived here. Now its time for me to freshin up, and wake back to where I just came from. |
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(2 ohs | ya) |
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| 01:38am 28/08/2005 |
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I've been spending a lot more of my free time lately reading. Something I never do. I can't get into detail about the book I'm reading now because I'm only on like the 30th page or so. From what I read of it so far I keep having these weird dreams/day dreams. I've had two of them so far. Winter time, which the beginning takes place in, in the city. A chilly night with a date that I cannot make out. Everything is kind of blurry but we go out to dinner. I take her back to my tiny apartment with no means and being fresh. She knows a lot about me and I feel like I don't know her. What I had with another mate was coming to an end and then something totally different came in. We spent the evening talking then everything is kind of a blur. We both wake up at the crack of dawn, almost like we've done it a million times. I have the day off from work, we make love in the morning and go to breakfast. We walk down the street and I wake up.
Both of the dreams have been like this but with a few minor differance. Its so annoying though. Demetra told me to read this book and I can't put it down and I knew I was going to be totally depressed the whole time reading it. Winter is approaching and I hate being alone during the winter. I haven't gone a winter without a date since I was 17. Usually when I think about this though I rush around trying to find the next thing to date, or looking for just any kind of love and affection I can get. Its not like that this time though....I feel somewhat content about my current situation. I feel way more relaxed like something is going to come to me and it will just be in the right place at the right time. Who knows....this might not happen until I'm like 50 years old as scarry as that is to me. I just hope I don't spend to many winter mornings waking up alone this year. I am going to be spending winter in a new place this year, a new city, with new people, and a new attitude. |
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(3 ohs | ya) |
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| it was just a test, |
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| 07:31pm 25/08/2005 |
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I've learned a lot about friendships lately. I've been planning on posting something like this for a very long time. Of course things since I have moved back to Syracuse have been unbelievable and not really in a good way. I know that I missed like the best summer ever which was last summer in Syracuse but I don't care. People always bring it up but I really don't care. Sure I could sit around and be sad about it or whatever but I had my own summer someplace else. I always told myself that I would never move back to Syracuse. Look at me now. It was needed though. Going home isn't always a bad thing at all. I mean some pretty tight shit went down since I've moved back, Cyan, hand of glory, new friendships, remolding old friendships, losing friends. It's all happened. Granted I can sit back and say man I wish at least things were like they were when I moved back here in January. I will never say that. I had a better time but I was going through so much. I was trying to break up with/dealing with a crazy girlfriend, roommate situations, eating at alto cincos everyday, trying to keep in touch with everyone I've missed. It all happened way to fast. Plus I was starting my job and only time just wasn't in the future. I think thats why I am glad I moved out of the city the most. I can be alone whenever I want. I can drive out to the city whenever I want. Getting back to friends its just I don't understand people anymore that I thought were my friends. You have 3 groups of people......1. the chatty syracuse gossipers, 2. the fairweather friends, 3. the real friends. I pretty much for the last two weeks have put my phone on hold, not answering calls, checking voice mails, dialing calls unless they were really important, and leaving my phone at home. I can't say that alone made me pick and choose my friends I'm just saying I don't see the point of making an effort anymore when I have tried to for the last 8 months. Out of syracuse at this moment I can say I have only a hand full of friends now. I'm not upset about it at all. I like less friends. group 1. are people from work, people from parties, and so on that are just people I do not want to be involved with anymore. Gossip doesn't do anything but hurt other people and the fact that maybe someone that I am talking about will read this will just make things funnier for the situation because they will probably tell everyone. I don't care about these people, why would anyone waste their time on such self centered people? WHY?!!! The second group are just keeps that seem to be around only when it benifits them in some way, I'm just done with it. The real friends have actually always been there. In my missed calls I noticed the people who called me the most were people that don't live around here anymore. The second most were the people I actually try and see and hang out with on a regualr basis. I spend like 99% of my hang out time at demetra and tones new apartment. I guess when I leave this place I can easily say like wow there are two people I can always count on when I come back. That statement isnt for everyone. I'm just speaking in general for people in my immediate circle. I should have stayed in Rochester because I think I have more friends there than I do here. I should have stayed in VA because of the same statement. Its weird how everyone says that every place is the same.......I've never lived in a place like this before so I don't understand how that statement could be true at all.
I do know that John and I are going on our trip in less than a month and its just going to be amazing. I am totally bummed beyond belife that I am not going to no cal anymore. If I could pick one place to be right this second I would pick there. We are going to have a good time where we are going I do know that. Then by september 23rd I will be back here in this bedroom, sorting and getting rid of everything I own for my move. I am not stressed at all. I have plenty of places to stay which is amazing. I have a lot of new and old amazing friends in Philly. I am not stressed about anything but getting a job. Thats my one and only problem. Its going to be amazing living in a city thats only like 2 hours away from other cities I love. I told myself I was done with cities but I think its just this city. I would though love to move to a country and just relax my whole life. I think I will wait to do that when I'm retired. Kim and I got in this huge discuession of running a farm with like 10 of our friends and how awesome it would be. I wish. I had more to write, most of this probably doesn't make any sense, I need to get back to cleaning up and reading this book. |
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(6 ohs | ya) |
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| 11:57pm 03/08/2005 |
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mood:  horrible music: bafabegiya
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read this if you dare....
I am having like the worst day of my life today and it happened within like the last few hours and I don't know why. For starters, I am probably the biggest asshole I know for the one reason that there are so many people who love me and care for me out there, who try and help me and I just push them away and ignore them. I realize I'm doing this when after I have already done it and the only way to solve it in my mind is to either talk to john or wait until the morning. When I usually wake up the next day after having these episodes everything seems to be a-ok and I just want to forget about the night before. I seriously have emotional problems with this stuff and I just don't know whats causing it or why its happening. I feel like I've just been losing so much confidence with myself lately, like I cannot approach people or hold a decent conversation. Everything that is like nothing becomes such a big stress to me and I found my self pulling my hair out on several occations today. Seriously pulling it out, not joking. I feel like I'm done with games, that I just want to have a girlfriend and be that guy whos in love and nothing can stop it, be totally reassured and have everything be alright. In reality this stuff usually only comes once, and who knows how long you have to wait for it you know? I could be 50 and just falling in love and that thought scares me. 50 isn't old but its getting there to me. Kim and I were talking about getting a farm and growing stuff until we sell the property and be set for life, ryan thought it was a dumb idea. Kim makes the best coffee in the world and living close to her and ryan is the only thing I miss about the city. I think about everything constantly. There isn't a moment where my mind is just dead and I think about the positive and this is a very very big problem. Thats why I occupy myself with so many bands, and travel and stuff so that I can try to avoid thinking about it.
My trip with john is approaching faster than I can get things done. For some reason I go into these crazy spurts about how I don't have enough time to get everything done before I leave, I freak out, I stress, its a big mess. I also keep having these dreams in the little sleep I get about getting fired when I get back. I wish. I would go right back out on the road if that happened. Places to sleep have become a big issue with this trip though, like I've been trying to plan the whole thing out since I moved back in here but its not going very well. Everyone has been so hard to get in contact with that its making me feel like its a big hassle to them. So plans may change. Earlier tonight for somereason I thought everything was going to fall through entirely. Hand of Glory seems to be planning something when I, Object gets back from tour in late August and I think everyones pissed but at the same time doesn't care that I'm leaving for this trip. I have so much to say about that band positive and negative but its not important. I've only play a few shows with them and I'm still kind of getting used to the whole thing. I've developed a really close relationship with pat and steve though which is awesome. Its nice to meet people who know what they are talking about and aren't total sXe douche bags, even though they both are edge. Hand of Glory is just such a chill band minus ted bitching about the money I don't have for the pratice space.
I just all together have a bad feeling about this trip. I feel like when I get back I have to make life decisions and figure out where I'm going next. I have a feeling I'm going to have the time of my life on the west coast and never want to leave. I just can't afford to move there like I wanted to. I love the idea of getting up and just moving. I still want to go to Philly too but for some reason I don't see it happening. I shouldn't have moved away from DC at all. That is my biggest regret in life. Everything there was just so Positive and as miserable as I was I never had a dull moment. I should have just let it all sink in. I talked to one of the guys from the spark about it today because hes from that area and one of them used to bike with my friend all the time and it is just awesome to run into people that I've met along the way and who know my friends from Richmond and DC. So now what do I do? I am clueless about whats going to happen to me and thats not necessarly a bad thing but I stress so much in my life, I have such high anxiety, and I just cannot live with my parents for that long. If I move from syracuse there goes hand of glory and maybe cyan unless nate and I move to philly. Thats basically the reason I'm still in Syracuse right now is because people are finally starting to hang out again and the bands I'm in are actually starting to go somewhere.
I seriously feel lonely as hell right now and just want to be with someone. My emotions have been killing me lately. I just want to have that felling of caring about someone back in my emotion cycle and not just having this selfish attitude that I sometimes have. My excuse of not having a girlfriend in over 6 months and even before that was me needing my own time. I never get my own time though, so I don't know what I'm even talking about. I'm a hypocrite, and a jerk I guess. Again I love to push people out of my life that mean everything to me and that love and care for me like no other. please note the sarcasm.
Its now come to the point of these enteries where my ADHD kicks in and I can no longer concentrate on anything more. I got new records today and I feel like I need to put some food in my body since I no longer eat anything but coffee. I'm sorry to anyone who reads this, A) because its one of these enteries, and B) because I don't know how to spell and I don't bother with spell checks. I hope everyone is doing ok. |
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(2 ohs | ya) |
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| 12:28am 17/07/2005 |
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music: godspeedyou!blackemperor
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I honeslty out of all the nights of me complaining, out of my bitching about how everything sucks, tonight I've just hit like the lowest I've ever been in a long long time. I am going through old stuff of mine, from when I moved, just papers, back bank statements all that grown up crap, am I came across like a envelope of cards. Im not really one to keep cards for any reason but I looked through them to wonder why and it was like EVERYONE in my whole family, even family from old friends got all these cards together wishing me luck in the move and how everyone was soo proud of me and how this is such a big step in life and all that. reading those, it was seriously like the worst ive ever felt about myself in I dont know how long. seeing all that and then watching me throw away something I actually had going for me for what im doing now. listening to records in my room, drinking beer, and downloading devo ringtones to my new phone. what the fuck. i just have so much more to say but i just cant. i just fuckin like cant feel for anything right now, this is the loneliest ive ever felt in my life, i got noone to be here for me right now. alls I have is myself. I need like person to person support so bad right now and its like not possible. this is like the worst night ive ever had.
edit:brief drunken update, i got a new love in my life.
her name is smith corona 240 DLE series.
shes this typewriter that i found across the street last week right before a big storm.
the point is that I wont be updating very much anymore, i would rather type it out, i would rather keep it to myself.
ok goodnight. |
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(ya) |
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| 09:59pm 12/07/2005 |
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music: the zombies - care of cell 44
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Its happening, I miss being involved. I miss cute relationship stuff and sleeping naked in this horrible horrible heat. I don't miss the fighting and bickering that I am seeing one of my best friends deal with. Man I never really ever fought in relationships. I can't like believe people who fight like that stay together so long. I'm so easy going and I just enjoy everything for what it is and more. I love relationships unlike everyone I know pretty much. Fuck banging out whats the point? 20 minutes of cheap thrills just to make everything weird and emotionally akward in the end. I'm glad I don't do it. Sorry if this offends but there is no one relationship worth in Syracuse. I cannot wait to take my trip, meet new, see old, and just enjoy new and old company. Record shop in new cities and shoot the shit with locals about music from my area and learn stuff from around there. Playing/Recording songs on the side of the road. Playin on a busy street if we happen to get low on cash. I feel like once this trip is over I am just going to want to settle down, see what happens on this trip and start making a life plan, even if its a simple plan just to move into a new apartment or even if its one that means I'm going to move to a different state. Sorry NY you just don't cut it for me anymore. I miss being involved so much, and listening to cat power, dinosaur jr, billy bragg, my bloody valentine, and the zombies aren't helping my mood for better days its just making me more and more in the hole. I don't want to listen to hardcore because it sucks, I can't listen to any thrash because its just not that great when you hear the same thing over and over again, punk is out of the picture, rap is something I only do once in a while, so its this music. god who cares who is even reading this. |
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(6 ohs | ya) |
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| 02:41pm 30/06/2005 |
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music: red light sting on iPod random
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family, family, family.
My family right now is so messed up. Its funny to hear how my sister and I are the same exact person. Apparently my sister is getting married in October but is just like "eh Im gettin married, but we don't want anyone to come." Which is of course upsetting everyone. I ate lunch with my mom today and we had grilled cheese! Shes telling me about all the cute stuff that my neice is doing and what not, but I never have time to go out and see her. I never have weekends off when normal people get to do things, when I take time off I get bitched at. I think how excited I am about going part time and everything but the catch is that I'm kind of screwing myself in the long run. This job will help me save up a lot but I really would rather do tours with hand of glory. Yes being part time is the right thing. Getting back to family its funny because the only person I really told about my trip is my dad and of course hes really pissed about it, but hes letting me do it. He knows its going to be like the same thing when he was younger where you drive all over trying to figure out your life, run away from your problems just to end up back where you started from. I just need to not like discover myself, I just need to see whats out there. I feel like Syracuse is like keeping me from having a good time. When I call people to hang out its just like ehhh nevermind theres nothing to do. So getting back to family, my sister is getting married and apparently doesn't want anyone there, meaning she is pulling a bobby slocum move. Her boyfriends mom thinks its because my dad and my mom wont get along. HELLO!!!! they have been divorced for 10 years now and they don't have anything against each other. I don't fuckin get it. I feel like saying jesus I can't wait to get out of this place and never talk to these people again, but they are my family. I can't get away from them and its really not a bad thing. Its like when my sister got MS she was like eh I have ms heres the info on it. Anyways my family is all upset and bringing me down with them. I could care if my sister got married, I mean good for her but her situation with her bf is really weird and I don't agree with it. I mean if she wants to get married and have noone around more power to her. I think its dumb but its her choice. A wedding is just another excuse for me to get off of work.
I am selling a lot of stuff so I don't have to store it at my dads house. Hes pissed off enough for no reason at all. Hes trying to get me to pay rent but doesn't really understand that I wont be there at all so I don't get it but whatever. I'm so willing to give up my cd/dvd/other shit I don't need buying problem to have as much money as possible. I still live in the false reality that everything will be ok because I will win on win for life one of these days.
Listening to my iPod on random rules because I always have good shit playing all the time. Its like a radio but better. I don't know why I never did it before. Thats another reason I don't need my cds anymore. iPod is the best thing ever even though I don't think they are very relyable and I feel like Im just waiting for the thing to crash on me. I want to move to my next place with my music stuff, cds, computer, records, movies, bed, clothes, stereo, tv and thats it. Again another amazing song comes on the iPod.
I am coming up to that part in my life right this second where I really want a girlfriend or someone there to sleep/spend time with. Theres a lot of cute couple things I know about to do, and its not like I can do them with my friends. I do alot of them with nate though haha. UGH, I want to drop this life right now with someone I love, move to the country, or even like a country of a country like scottland or something, get a dog and cat, make music all the time. No internet, no starbucks or places like that, no nothin but town folks. I don't want to move to a place like fulton or oswego or parish either. Like I real country where there isn't 100% white trash.
PS Im selling things ask me what, Im posting about it everywhere. |
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(4 ohs | ya) |
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| I thought I was tired.... |
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| 02:09am 27/06/2005 |
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I thought wrong.
I just do not know what my deal is as of late. I feel like I am wasting more and more time everyday. I feel like I am having an out of body experience and I am just sitting here waiting for the rest of me to come back. I stand around at work and just daydream about getting to california. I just daydream constantly about this trip but I have to wait until September. When I get back I am going to finish my full time position at Wegmans and move to part time. Not the smartest choice but I need more than 2 days off a week. I need to start figuring out whats next. I will be moving back home which I do not regret since my dad and I get along now. I can sit on some money until I move back out again and into nate and suze's house if everything works out to plan. Or else I just sit at my parents house until I decide to hook up the trailor to the back of my Honda and just Give'r. I haven't talked about this at all to anyone and it may be a suprise it might not be but there is a possibility that I might just move to the west coast. Like when I get there, drive back home and sit around for a while and just move back out there. I don't know exactally where though. It might even be someplace like Vancouver. I am over my fears of leaving the east coast. There is no place in between that would suit me really either. And really what am I so attached to in NY that is making me stay? The few friends that are left and thats about it. I have given up stuff like relationships because with my mind constantly on leaving there is no way I can commit and give the attention the other partner would need. Its not like I am going to bang out a bunch of girls or anyone at all either just because I just don't do that. The only thing I do like about the east coast that the west coast has too many of are like plastic fake people. You don't see it that much in Syracuse which nice. I never walk down westcott street and see fashionable, hip, unnatural people. Actually I can never walk down westcott street without seeing someone I know. This really is a nice little area but I just need to move on. Make new friends and just clear my head and start over. My dad always yells at me and says that running away is not the answer. I'm not exactally running away from anything though I am just moving on. He also just thinks I should stay put and just work at Wegmans forever just because its a good job. I try to tell him that going to work completely depressed just isn't what I need in my life to make me feel any better. He doesn't really get it but I mean him and I are not the same. Hes miserable at his job but he can ignore it, he has a nice family, and a roof over his head and he is happy for what he has. If someone is happy like that there is no need to worry about stuff like that. I on the other hand have a job I cannot deal with and just need to find something else. Yea I know its not smart to go part time and yeah I know its not smart to give up the job but if I don't then what? I just sit in syracuse seriously depressed, sitting up in bed staring for hours at a time, waking up 5 minutes before I have to leave for work and instead of showering or getting ready I just sit and debate weather to even go or not. Almost everyone hates their job its just life but I need a break. I don't consider myself special from anyone else but I feel like this job is making me a terrible person inside. Dealing with the public is no sweat but when you deal with the same 20 people or so more than 3 times out of a week it becomes an issue mentally. blah I don't know I am rambling. I know what I want in life, its too difficult to explain in a livejournal entry, I know what will happen if everything works, I know what will happen if it all doesn't work. I get tired at the worse times of the day and night. I might not even fall asleep because of havin so much on my mind. I get to see john tomorrow and hes probably the only person besides melissa to keep me seriously stable and back to my old self. I can't wait to spend all this time on the road. Ill see ya'll on the west very, very soon. |
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(2 ohs | ya) |
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| Sour Grapes |
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| 11:55pm 22/06/2005 |
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mood: hopeful music: descendents - cheer aka the best song ever
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Did you know you can get cash back at taco bell now? Its a $.99 charge though. "Hi yes, 2 bean burritos and 20 dollars back."
Thats pretty much all the news I have from the news room. I've been listening to nothing but Cut the Shit and smoking too much. I think I like smoking only because it comes and goes in phases and usually goes faster and stays away longer than it comes. Like 1 pack and I'm done for a really long time. I guess I have a lot to talk about actually but its mostly everything everyone has heard before. My good friends from Tennessee are coming up this weekend which will be nice, some new friendly faces in this town. Its cool that everyone is doing their own thing around here now a days but seriously people aren't even bothering/trying to stay in contact which is bogus. I can't wait until Demech and Tone come home. I think I'm going to force Pete into being my Monday Stellas date.
I've been working on my recordings most of the evening and as soon as I finished 3 songs I scrapped them all, just wasn't happy with them whatso ever. I don't know if I plan on just going at them in another direction or just giving up on them. I have other songs but the other songs are more complexed and unfinished. I want to get a few songs to get down for the split with John so I can have some for the trip. We plan on stopped and playing all around together and covering "Brand New Love" by Sebadoh which is the most incredible song ever written.
Speaking of bands Hand of Glory is going well? I've adapted to Ted's way of playing for the most part, or teaching rather. We are working on a new song that I am actually contributing to which I enjoy. I hate playing bass lines that someone else wrote. Alas I am the third bass player they have had. I plan on touring with them and such if all goes well. We have a show on july 7th feature craig and I being the newbies. Its engineers return home show which sucks because that means engineer is leaving this week for 2 weeks which means I wont have Ryan to talk to at work or hang out with after work.
Now speaking of work, I'm DYING to be done with Wegmans full time. I asked for July 23rd off because Cyan is doing a show or two in NYC. I asked about getting the 23rd and 24th off last week and I'm getting a hard time about it. Wegmans is wack to the max. My trip is coming up faster that I expected. I still need to figure out the exact days but its going to be the 1st and 2nd or the 2nd and 3rd week of September. If anyone reads this thats in the Tennessee, Northern CA, Portland, Seattle, Maybe Chicago, DC, NYC area and want to see John and I please get in contact with me or comment. Its going to be one hell of a trip and I can't wait.
I know I have these stupid thoughts in the back of my head that I am going to have my life decided for me after this trip and know what will make me happy and know what I want. Who knows maybe that will happen? I honestly don't have any plans for the future which is normal for most people but kind of scary. I just need to stop worrying about it all the time. I need to chill out. I need to be me when I was 19. I think at 19 I was the most stable with everything ie: emotions, job, living, friends, life. When did I lose it and turn into this? I just don't feel the same anymore at all. Thats life though, constant changes. I feel like I want to move away really bad but where am I going to go? I want familiar faces where I go or people to move with. Everyone is here though, and the others I really wish I lived closer to live in such odd directions from each other. I've honestly been thinking about moving to the west coast, Portland, Seattle area and thats one reason why I am driving out there just to see what its like. I know every place is basically the same, but you can get those vibes in a new place. It was like when I was in Chicago for those few days everyone in general was just so friendly with each other and nice to be around. It was like that in DC most of the time, but not around here, some what in Rochester, and DEFINITELY not in Baltimore. I just am curious if it were to apply to west coast folk as well. I've always talked so much shit on the west coast but I think its just southern CA that I don't think I would like. I heard a long time ago, I believe it was 7th grade my science teach was telling us stories about some place he went to in Oregon and blah blah I don't remember the whole story but it always stuck out that it sounded amazing. I remember telling my parents we should move to the west coast and they would just call me crazy and whatever. Who knows I was into nine inch nails and black flag at that time I was confused weather to go goth or stay punk.
Today was a chill day. Work was slow as hell so I left early on top of taking 100 breaks. I just came home and hung out, which is something I haven't actually done in a long long time. Spent a lot of time online which never happens anymore but I got a chance to talk to like 2 people I NEVER have the chance to talk to so it was awesome. Descendents - Coolidge just came on my winamp which is funny. The second that drum roll hit it reminded me of 10th grade and scraping off the ice on my car, late as hell for school. I must have listened to this cd 100000 times that year. I can't forget about the Impossibles - anthology cd. I miss that car so much. I might call it a night early tonight. I've written enough, I'm starving and I just got food. I hate when that happens. |
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(1 oh | ya) |
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| 09:29pm 01/06/2005 |
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its true that everywhere you go its, drama, bullshit, fakes, liars, back stabber, ect. I guess people are more out in the open about it these days.
Its 9:30 and I'm leaving for DC soon and have no idea where I am going to sleep.
Its going to be nice to leave Syracuse for a couple of days, even if I don't have fun in DC it will still be a nice trip.
I know I'm going to have a ton of fun.
I hate having this feeling of just wanting to start over and never talk to anyone I know ever again.
Come the end of June will be nice. |
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(1 oh | ya) |
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| 01:10am 28/05/2005 |
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syracuse is eating my brain seriously, noone should ever give me shit about wanting to move and all that because you just don't fucking get it. this place has changed dramatically in the past 6 months I've been here and has only changed for the worse. its sad that people who are younger than me, like not even out of high school yet have a better grasp on reality than everyone else around here. im sorry if anyone gets offended by this but I just don't give a damn anymore. Its not like Ive seen anyone make any kind of effort in the past few weeks. |
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(ya) |
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| 02:30am 21/05/2005 |
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Im not going to seriously go into full detail about this but I actually thing I am seriously like in love with one of my friends. I dont know if you know who you are but I seriously think I am and I don't know what to do about it because it probably wont ever go anywhere..... |
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(1 oh | ya) |
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| well wanna know whats really going on????????????? |
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| 01:15am 20/05/2005 |
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Drink coffee, drink coffee, drink coffee, drink coffee, stay awake, drink coffee, eat every meal standing up, drink coffee, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, drink coffee, relax. That part, you know relax, hasn't happened yet. When will it happen? Not quite sure of that yet. I've been ON EDGE for the past week maybe? Maybe longer. There are too many events coming up this summer that I am worrying about way to much. Number 1, I have to find a place to live soon and I want to get a jump on it before the college kids start coming back to Syracuse. Number 2, its a huge problem because almost no one around here will let you sign less than a year lease. I have a few plans of who to live with, where I wanna live, etc, but the effort of apartment hunting after working an 8 hour day is just nauseating. Number 3, Ryan and I have been flyering nonstop since he got me to go in on this show with him. Its this Saturday which leaves us with not a lot of time to get everywhere we want to but the odd thing is that people I've never even seen before are talking about this show. Everyone is not going to fit into this house so I'm guessing there will be about 100 angry Syracuse hardcore babies bitching and complaining. Well Syracuse kids get a life because we can't make the house bigger. If Derek would ever get back to me about his tour with Hand of Glory I would be able to know if Cyan is going to play for sure. I have been up making CDs and copying horribly copied cover art for the past few days. Now I have to stuff the CDs and say hayyy 5 bucks BUT if we don't play on Saturday this is just one big waste of time. Tonight consisted of making the Engineer flyers for the show on Sunday, and finishing the cover art for the Cyan CD. It really just looks sloppy as fuck buttt I really don't care anymore. Its half ass but I don't really have time or patients to sit down and make everything perfect. Not right now. Its been one kinkos trip after another. ickk. I seriously feel like I have one friend left in Syracuse. People I don't even know or aren't really close friends with make a better effort than everyone else. Whatever I guess it will just make leaving here easier which I'm fine with. I've learned so much about burning bridges these past 6 months of moving back here and it really isn't a huge deal. Hmmmm stay friends with people who constantly talk shit about me? or go my separate way? Granted I talk shit but that means those people shouldn't talk to me anymore I guess. God I can't even like pay attention to this post. I lost total interest. I wanna just go to bed but I haven't eaten at all today and I'm starving. errrrrr. Did I mention the spray paint leaked and ruing the 30 CDs I stayed up making a night ago. God who even cares. I have to get back to stuffing CDs and listening to Rocket From the Crypt who is hands down one of the best bands ever. |
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(1 oh | ya) |
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| 05:55pm 11/05/2005 |
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mood:  aggravated music: fugazi - repeater
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Friendships. I have been home in Syracuse for 5 months and my take on friends and friendships has been opened up to a new level. I've come to this point where I am 22 and realizing that I need to grow up. Since I've been back to Syracuse I have made better friends with 3 amazing people and for what? To see them disappear this summer for good. At least 2 are coming back which will be nice. I am very lucky to have this though. These are people that I don't want to lose contact with because they have been there no matter what the circumstance is. Again though I am 22 and I am at this point in my life where I don't care about burning bridges with anyone around here. Its coming up on 6 months I've been home. The sad part about all of this is that people I barely know want to hang out more than people who are my best friends. I don't use the term best friends anymore actually. It just like sounds eh I don't know. I just have great friends. It just seems like excuses are being poured out to me left and right and I'm just sick to death of some people around here. The worst part is that I have friends in VA, Rochester, and Melissa and Steven and all them that keep in better contact than people who live less than 1 minute from me. Trust is becoming another thing which is very annoying. You can't trust one person in Syracuse. When one person knows something EVERYONE knows it. This is a problem that only happens in Syracuse for the most part. I've never had such pety childish bullshit happen in my life than some of the stuff around here. Maybe its just NY in general because I know it happens elsewhere except for Rochester really. I had the best time on Monday and Tuesday in Rochester and it just like opened my mind to such new ideas on how to treat people. People in Rochester actaully do things and have fun, and everyone around here is just constantly bored and has no plan. Granted I don't always have the best plans to do anything but I come up with things now and then. Even if its something like dollar movie night every Tuesday that I wish I could have stayed there for. I don't know. I think I am mostly going to be spending most of my summer traveling around and biking with Gorham and being by myself. I have thought about getting another job but I'm not sure yet. Depends if I find anything really good or not. Pete has that awesome job maybe I will do it too if there are openings. |
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(1 oh | ya) |
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| 06:38am 01/05/2005 |
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I just sat in my bed staring blankly for about 45 minutes not even moving listening to music. Regretting going to sleep just because there is no one there. I'm only 22 years old and for some reason I feel like I have to be like seriously involved. I want something real. REAL. Not like the childish stuff I've been dealing with the last few years. I think I need to date someone older than me who like has a strong head on their shoulders or at least knows what the real world is all about. I am kind of getting sick of drinking my life away in Syracuse. Thats all I do is work, hang out, and drink and its really kind of lame. Everyone is leaving me within the next month and doing their own thing and seriously good for them. I know the feeling to get out of Syracuse and its a really good feeling. I've become like BEST friends with Derek since I've moved back and its going to be hard just to like not have that anymore. I mean I have other best friends but thats not what I'm worried about. Hes just someone I've been able to grow really close to and he knows like whats going on in life. He is basically doin the same thing just hangin out and waiting to move. Syracuse is just becoming more and more lonely as the days go on and its like where am I going to go next? Where am I going to find someone I'm going to fall in love with. Its summer time and despite how gross I am during the summer I want that cute summer relationship that fades into the winter and becomes even cutier. Syracuse has NOTHING to offer though. Its like every attractive girl has huge crazy problems, even thought almost all girls are completely insane. I can go into a city such as NYC, Philly, or Chicago and pick out dozens of girls who would suit me but why make it that easy? I feel like I am almost determinded to find someone here no matter what. Possibly someone in college who has a game plan to leave this place and it will be amazing. I always picture meeting a girl and this is in dreams and stuff and going back to her place with the one bedroom apt in the city, 1 cat, and everything just really cute or really old fashioned. Worrying for hours about cleaning the place up when its not even dirty and making me dinner while listening to like the black heart procession or mogwai. That just doesn't happen though and if it did I would never be in my bedroom or on my computer ever again. I would snatch it up so quickly and hold on tight for the ride. I mean there are other factors in there, not everything can be some kind of movie ending. what to do, what to do, what to do. I am just sick of turning around in my bed and seeing a giant empty space, listening to music on volume 5 alone and staring blankly until I almost pass out, being able to wake up in the middle of the night to find her laying on me and me kissing her on the forhead. I'm fucking lonely. If I'm going to stay in Syracuse I am going to make the best of it from here on out. I want someone to fall asleep to mogwai with. I'm still kind of drunk and I think making this post just made me like super sad. I really haven't had anything to say to anyone lately. I feel like I am losing my confidence or something. All the phone calls I make or recieve are less than 2 minutes, and my away messages are always up. I think I am done complaining to everyone about everything going on in my life. I have to be a better listener I think but I have to learn how to do that. my add has been off the wall lately and I haven't even been able to pay attention to movies or anything going on. Work is nonsense right now but thats a whole other story. Tonight I had a really good time and we all went to a 4am breakfast. I guess I should probably try and accomplish some sleeping because I haven't done much lately besides a few naps here and there. I hope this post made sense because I am still kind of drunk and I didn't reread it or spell check it. |
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(11 ohs | ya) |
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